Happy Halloween!
Posted on October 30, 2007
Filed Under Uncategorized
In honor of Halloween and the fact that career management is scary enough, let’s take a mid-week break from the seriousness of real-life. I grabbed this off Workfarce.com, which is one of my favorites, check it out.
Below is a list of best/worst houses to trick or treat at…any of them bring back memories?
The House that gives out Pennies
These depression era folks are a sad and dying breed. We can only imagine that for Christmas they hand out 1 dollar bills to members of their own family. If this guy wasn’t so old and sad his house would have been egged twenty times that night instead of just the two to three times.The House that gives out Apples or Fruit
I’m sure Mrs. Miller thought that she’d circumvent child tooth decay by handing out apples. Instead what happened was that she not only gave the kids in her neighborhood a reason to throw something at her house, but she also gave them the very ammunition to do it. Sometimes Dentists did this shit too. Worse is the dentist that hands out Toothbrushes. We got baby teeth jack! Lets decay these bitches out now while we gots’em!
The Christian House that gives out Christian Propaganda
Yikes… I imagine if you are from the south there are a lot of these people around. Instead of just closing their doors and leaving the lights off on Halloween, these devout Jonestown types decide to take on the devil himself. In this case the devil is a pack of 8-10 year olds looking for candy. Christian propaganda is usually hilarious though and even as a kid I found their brand of “Cartoons” strangely funnier than the Calvin and Hobbs I was so crazy about back then.The House where the guy jumps out and scares the shit out of you
Oh boy Dad’s got that Halloween spirit. Too bad he’s going to emotionally scar all the kids in the neighborhood with his overzealous holiday zeal. These are the same idiots that you read about getting stuck in their chimneys on Christmas. Turn it down a notch jack ass. On the plus side this guy usually stocks a good treat making the mild heart attack worth the plus size box of Dots or Reese Cups in return. You just know you’ll end up being this guy when you get older.
The Unintentionally Creepy House
Having the story of Adam Walsh drilled into out collective heads in the early 80’s coupled with making everyone get their finger prints registered primed everyone in our neighborhood for a nerve wracking Halloween. We were all worried about strangers trying to kidnap us, then do something with butt and wiener, then saw our head off. That’s actually how (Jim) described the Adam Walsh case as a child. Add to that the one borderline pedophile in the neighborhood. He’s always just a little too touchy with kids, isn’t married and no one is ever over. All year long we steer clear of his weird yard art and scenic desert horizon painted van. Yet on Halloween the promise of free candy was enough for even the most timid child to muster up enough courage to see this creep face to face.The Bachelor that forgot that it’s Halloween
Even though it’s 6 o’clock at night this guy answers the door and looks to have been sleeping for several hours. His assortment of Halloween offerings are even more confusing. He hands you shit that he’s got laying around and if it weren’t for that copy of “Stuff” magazine he gives you, you’d probably have soaped his windows.
The House with SHITTY candy.
It could be something crappy like generic Reese cups or even worst when old ladies individually bad pieces of candy corn in little tiny baggies… Like 5 pieces per bad. Either way… It’s cheap and a waste of time. There’s no way this ladies house is not getting vandalized. This is the house where you find even your most mild mannered and scrupulous friends saying “Necco Waffers!? Lets bust this bitches windows!”The House with the Note that says “Please Take One”
This is the poor house that leaves a bowl of candy and a note in their absence asking trick-or-treaters to “only to take one” These optimistic fools! Do you really think that unsupervised, demon clad, youths armed with eggs and shaving cream are going to abide by the Honor System? Maybe the half dozen eggs pelted across their bay window will teach them that there is no such thing as honor on Halloween. Adding insult to injury the bowl is usually stolen or broken by the end of the night.
The House with the Slutty Mom.
You keep three extra masks in your bag. This is so you can hit a house more than once when they have good candy or so you can stare at Mrs. Johnsons half naked breasts one more time in that Elvira costume that’s in no way appropriate for the suburbs. You get the impression that Mr. Johnson is either separated, dead, or watching all of this somewhere through a pair of binoculars. Mrs. Johnson made many a costume “tight” that night.The house with Foreigners…
…who don’t quite get the concept of Halloween and hand out full sized candy bars. These people were a god send… Whole sized Snickers and Hersheys? In your own head you think to yourself. “Maybe they’re this big to hide the poison and razor blades inside?” and then you figure “It’s a full sized fucking Mallo bar. I’ll take that gamble”
Hope this brought a smile to your face, now go get ready for trick-or-treating…and be generous, the house you save from egging could be your own.
Until next time…
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